Lady-bits-antics

There is nothing more awkward for any female on this planet than having a full check up at the gynaecologist. Trust me, I can’t think of anything worse, but it’s my annual obligation to check if I don’t have tentacles growing out of my uterus, or a mutated hobbit growing inside me. You know, the usual stuff.

For my last check-up I asked my sister along. She is a med student and watching something like this is, to her, the best thing that could happen this year. Then again, I might as well have someone familiar and honestly interested in my hoo-ha with me for support.

The session usually starts with a bunch of questions about your sex life and vagina. Working through them, the gynaecologist  suddenly asked if it would be ok to have an intern to help with the exam. Errr,..  “Yeah I guess”. Students need to learn somehow right?  The more the merrier?

A young guy walks in, not saying a thing and the most serious face you have ever seen. So after the whole ‘drop your pants and sit in this amazing you-can’t-hide-anything chair the gyno-lady starts explaining all the steps in medical terms to the intern, who continues to nod in silent seriousness. To me, this is all quite humorous and awkward at the same time. Somehow his serious face, doesn’t match me half naked with my lady parts on a weird angle. Then she pulls on a glove, letting it slap against her wrist and applies half a tube with lube to her fingers. Let the games begin.

No matter how often you tell yourself ‘ah it’s alright they see this a million times a day’ having three people stare at your vagina, including a spotlight so they can ‘see’ clearer, this is a far from comfortable experience. She starts the manual internal exam and then asks the intern to follow her instructions as h will continue the exam. He gets this speculum so they can have an even closer look and really tries jabbing it in all sorts of angles that hurt so much I want to cry. Finally the gyno- lady takes over and does it properly. This is when my sister jumps up excitedly, shoves the doctors out of the way, gasps and then yells “Omg I can like see your womb!” Note to self: Next time keep it a solo event.

Still leg strapped in the chair, I am down to the last exam, an internal ultrasound. Basically this is just a super expensive dildo with a built in camera. The intern takes a minute to adjust his composure, takes a few deep breaths, squirts the other half of the tube of lube on the device and goes for it. Or so he thinks. Three long minutes pass as he tries to find the right opening and angle. Again I can feel tears start to appear, but not from pain. My sister gives me one look and we both burst out laughing at this guy. I mean how hard can it be,…for a guy!? “How long have you been working here?” I ask. “Oh, this is my first week” he replies smiling.

I eventually leave the room feeling like a complete useless guinea pig. Leaving behind a mortified doctor to be, a fascinated sister and a brand new appointment for next year.

Advertisements